Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

beware of dog

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.