Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.