Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.