[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Bros before Ohioes
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*