If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
ME: Am I making you wet?
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
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[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Her: I LOVE your beard!
Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!
Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.
Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.