Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.