Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best first i’ve ever seen

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.