<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
still the best tweet of the year by far
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*