Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”