Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.