[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
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If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Netflix and you sit over there.
🙄😏😂🤣
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Haha good job!!
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!