[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

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About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.


Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!


I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.


*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”


My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.


You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.


Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.


I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.


My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.