@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

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@3sunzzz

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

@WilliamRodgers

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

@donni

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

@Brampersandon_

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

@blondecalamity

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

@SlabBaconBP

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

@jjax44

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

@_notyourmom_

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.