Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.