[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
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Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.