Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

want me to check your oil?

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water