Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.