Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

When you take Google Maps too seriously.