(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
You Might Also Like
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
When you’re here for the treats.