(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*