Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT