Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

lot going on here, legally speaking.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.