Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

🔥🔥

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?