*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My wife gives the best headache.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing