Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Drive like no one is watching.

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.