[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree