Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.