WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?
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Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”