ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?
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Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*