Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

2024 has been a rough few years

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.