Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.