(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
HERE’S MARKY
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi