(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
💀💀💀💀
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.