Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

I have two kinds of followers

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

Sometimes? I’m slipping

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…