Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

i was dropped as an adult