ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
💯😂
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”