[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot