Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Check out the legs on this baby

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”