During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”