Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

Please vote for people who are attractive

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.