During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
lol
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly