During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
No, he would not have.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target