During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.