During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
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Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Had an epiphany today.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*