Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.