Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

Worst Native American name ever.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Best misinterpreted text ever!