Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.