During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Thursday
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Mornin
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
