During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
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I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Only a mother’s love …
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!