During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ