Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
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I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.