Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Today’s tshirt
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
neighborhood watch
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.