*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
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I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.