*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Warm pools make me nervous.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
So, can we agree on 4 or
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO