*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.