dutch so unserious
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*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.