dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.