dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If you breakdance you buy dance.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.