Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.