Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
remember
only for emergencies
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
File under excellent bookstore names.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars