Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
my love language is being sent money
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…