Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Happy Caturday!
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Ah..makes sense now
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.