Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?