Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL