Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.