Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

This came to me in a dream.

emergency phone

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE