Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.