Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

When you kidnap a writer.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.