Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

per my last wtf

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine