Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Cucumbers Anonymous

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

I created you as mosquito food.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”