Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Something Saturday.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.