My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Tremendous stuff
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Don’t touch that.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”