[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Sign of the day..
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100