Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

getting corrected

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

happy mother’s day❤️

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?