Dyslexics are teople poo!
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.