Dyslexics are teople poo!
You Might Also Like
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?